February 1, 2012

Boker Tov and happy February, that sure came upon us quickly.

Wrapping up my gratitude thread today. Last week I shared five steps for raising grateful kids.  I also said that gratitude is very Jewish. I will prove that first, then share a little of what you wrote on the subject over the last few weeks.

From almost the beginning of our history, gratitude has been institutionalized in Jewish religious practice.  The animal and grain sacrifices in the Temple were brought for a variety of reasons, most prominent being out of a sense of appreciation for what our ancestors had or dangers that they survived. When we began producing word prayers, more than 2000 years ago, some were petitions to God but most were blessings made out of a sense of gratitude. Thus, the vast majority begin with “Praised are You, Lord our G-d, King of the Universe, Who … created the world/gave us Torah/ redeemed us from Egyptian slavery.” The Motsi. The Shehecheyanu.  And so forth.

According to Rabbi Meir in the Talmud, we are obliged to recite 100 blessings every day. Not because G-d needs to hear them, I am sure, but because we do, to be mindful of all that we had and have.  Let us imagine pausing every day, one hundred times, to appreciate the good fortune that God is constantly sending our way. It just takes some refocusing and awareness to realize that every one of us receives countless gifts every day - our ability to see, to walk, to talk, to smell, to breathe, every small and not-so-small daily constant miracle.

Congregant T wrote that she remembers a time when people seemed to pray more openly at meals and special occasions and always included mention of the things that we have to be grateful for, including the food on our table and our freedoms.  These prayers seem more and more rare. We can change that.

May your Wednesday include at least 25 expressions of gratitude, from the siddur or from your heart.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.   Bill Rudolph

P.S. Among the highlights of the weekend will be Friday night’s special 6:30PM service for Shabbat Shirah. Hazzan Klein has our different singing groups lined up for a wonderful evening of prayer and song.  Sunday at 1PM Judith Viorst is speaking in the kickoff to special Ages and Stages programming for Empty Nesters under the rubric of CE21. And later that day comes the other kickoff.

Thanks Rabbi Rudolph - gratitude is a project of mine ---- it amazes me when my kids say "please and thank you"... I sometimes wonder where they get it from.  I've taught them...but, wow... they got it????  This past weekend we went to the Montgomery County Humane Society and donated the money we collected all year for our Tzedakah project. We collected over $80 - the kids were truly excited to bring the donation to the shelter to help the animals there. We had adopted a dog last year and the shelter is an important place for my children. When we went to the counter and explained that we wanted to make a donation, my daughter told the woman that "we collect tzedakah every Shabbat" - did the woman even have any idea what she was talking about??? Probably not!  But, she gave [my kids] so much attention and appreciation - my kids felt special - and that their project was warmly appreciated.  I'm so glad we do this every year - and now with the kids 7 & 5 - I can see it is really having a positive effect...... S

I am very concerned about our children who are so focused on their small defeats and how difficult it is to compete with their classmates in school and at extra-curricular activities.  Many children who have loving families, great educational opportunities, comfortable lifestyles, and promising lives ahead of them are still depressed and anxious.  If they could spend time thinking about all of the blessings they have in their lives, maybe it would lift some of the emotional weight off their shoulders.  Some children may understand how lucky they are if they have a friend or family member with a life-threatening illness or if they participate in community service activities that expose them to people less fortunate.  But do they really internalize it?

 

When I became [university department] chair, one of the more experienced chairs made the observation (in a training session) that a bit of thanks and praise to people makes it much easier to ask for something (or to complain) later on. The people receiving thanks are so appreciative of praise and they take your concerns much more seriously later if you raise them. I found this to be true time and again. Indeed, within my first year here I sent a letter (before email!) to the head of our physical plant about the young man who maintained our building.  The physical plant people were "shocked" and so pleased that they posted my letter for all to see since they never got compliments. Well, it is 25 years later and physical plant always responds quickly to my requests, and that young man is now a senior supervisor on campus and he remembers my letter.  Makes me feel good, helped a talented person, and I'm "rewarded" for my few minutes to write a letter. A

I don't usually write a response but I always enjoy your insightful words. Please know that you have inspired me to switch our weekly Shabbat [custom where at dinner each guest reflects on the week and shares] "2 good things" to "2 things I am grateful for" -- a bit of a change but an important one! I will let u know how it goes! J

Thank you, these are great tips for everyone!!!!  I think you are particularly right how kids look at what their parents do /act.  I remember my dad for years always said hi and was funny with the toll both people whenever we went onto the garden state parkway in jersey.  I never said anything to him but I remember thinking , how my dad didn't think he was any better than the toll both guy …I learned from him that everyone deserves "niceness" and a job doesn't define who you are... it's the little things kids pick up on. ok...enough  sentiment , but thank you for these great It's Weds columns!!  H

More recently, I finished reading Martin Seligman's book, "Flourish". Seligman, who teaches at Penn, is one of the founder's of the school of "positive psychology." In short, unlike traditional clinical psychology, which focuses exclusively on ameliorating psychological illness and dysfunction of varying severity, the tenets of positive psychology aim at increasing happiness among basically healthy individuals as well - not just those with emotional problems. He too advocates expressions of gratitude as one of the key elements of positive psychology. In the book, he presents a lot of empirical evidence to show that gratitude as well as other prescribed behaviors leads to psychological health and happiness. S2

This "It's Wednesday" prompts me to say thank you for taking the time to use this venue to foster weekly dialog with congregants.  It has always struck me how much most religions prize gratitude. The Jewish blessings are simple statements of gratitude. I recall a sense of awe when I first saw the ocean with my family at the age of 10. It felt "right" when my father suggested we say Shehecheyanu. I think that voicing our gratitude through this prayer made a bigger impression on me than even seeing the ocean.  H2

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January 25, 2012

Last week we talked about gratitude. Though research finds that being a grateful person can lead to a better and healthier life, this seems to be a declining virtue. As promised, this week I share five steps that the experts quoted last week offer for raising grateful kids. Here they are, useful for parents - but also for grandparents and uncles and aunts. Next week I will conclude this thread with some of your comments and the sixth step.

Step 1:  walk the walk.  Parents (and all of us) need to be good role models when it comes to expressing appreciation, whether that means thanking strangers for holding the door or thanking your son or daughter for a chore done without being asked. Having the experience of being on the receiving end of gratitude can help children see the value in offering it.

Step 2: accentuate the positive. Teenagers especially often focus on stuff their friends have that they don’t. Help kids make a list of all the good things in their lives to be thankful for. While not invalidating their desire for something that someone else has, you can help them see the good they have going for them.

Step 3: curtail commerce. Replace shopping trips with non-–acquisitive events such as going to a movie, having a catch or spending quality time at home. It's important to orient kids towards the values and needs that matter, getting away from those that don't. Filling them with a sense of awe and wonder in the world – at the zoo or a museum - helps them to realize that there's a lot more to life than new toys or cell phones. I know this isn’t easy – half of my own extended family’s Thanksgiving meal was spent debating whether an IPad is a life necessity. We decided it wasn’t but what a silly way to spend that precious time together on that particular day.

Step 4: help them help others. It's almost never too early to introduce the idea that not everybody in the world has everything they need or want. Take young kids to drop off presents at the local hospital or humane society. Older kids can volunteer in organizations around the area, as so many of our kids do, although simply lending a hand to an elderly neighbor who needs help shoveling snow or grocery shopping can be just as impactful. These activities can show how good it feels to see someone happy because of something they have done for them.

Step 5: take the long view. It doesn't matter if your little one does not mean that “thank you” for the ugly sweater from aunt Miriam. Early on it might have to be just this: “when someone does something kind, you say ‘thank you.’” And they may falter at times. Don't expect it 2-year-old or even a 5-year-old or certainly a teenager to say thank you all the time or to “get it” right away. But the more we incorporate gratitude as an important part of who our family is and how we think about life, the more it will trickle down and generate wide-ranging benefits.

I know many of you who do some or all of these steps. Now is as good a time as any to do more of them or do them more consistently. It's a win-win, and it’s very Jewish. Ponder this and have a good Wednesday.

P. S. Among the things we take for granted is our health.  After a while, we stop taking it for granted. If you are in need of comfort in the face of physical or mental health challenges of your own or among family members, do consider our new service of comfort healing and renewal. Sunday at 7:30PM.

 

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January 18, 2012

Last week we ruminated on the Tebow phenomenon. I got many dozens of responses, and the media certainly found its voice on the issue as a result of my column. The most telling of your responses helps us, I think, to see the larger context of the issue, one which might not occur to those of us who have mostly lived in places like Bethesda.

“Ugh. Grew up with this sort of stuff in Texas public schools. There was the fellowship of Christian athletes, a special ‘invitation only prom’ (sponsored by the school) for this same crowd, pennies thrown at me in the hallway, morning Bible meetings, and who can forget getting called ‘dirty Jew.’   When I got my first public school teaching job in Dallas, I was the only Jew. I hid the fact I was Jewish to get hired, when asked ‘where do you go to church?’ I said that we don't really go to church, and left it at that. When I had to take off for the high holidays, several people never looked me in the eye again. Others tried vigorously to convert me for the next four years.  For these reasons, I totally tune out this Tebow character. It's all part of the same mentality, in my opinion.  I just don't get it. Never will.”

This Wednesday I want to leave football, a diversion for which many of us are normally thankful, and begin on a related thread, gratitude. I’ve been saving this one up since Thanksgiving at least.   Feeling grateful for what we have and saying thank you are things we all try to model in our own lives and teach to our kids. I wonder more and more whether we can hold onto these values. I watch the parade of kids to the lollipop man, at Beth El or another nearby shul, and I see the kids coming right back to the lollipop man or woman, sent by their parents to say thank you. These are little kids, but when I hear a “thank you” from an older kid, I find myself turning around to make sure I wasn’t mishearing. I know I am not alone in thinking that appreciation is harder and harder to come by, and wonder why and whether it matters.  

 So of course there is research about gratitude, led by Jeffrey Froh, a psychology professor at Hofstra.  Thanking people actually leads to better, healthier lives. Grateful kids report better relationships with friends and family, higher GPAs, less materialism, less envy and less depression. A larger field of research on adults finds numerous benefits for us too. 

 Luckily, says Froh, it is possible to teach gratitude. One of Froh’s studies found that early adolescents who simply “counted their blessings” in a journal every day for two weeks were more appreciative than those who didn’t, as well as more optimistic and more satisfied with their lives. In another study, Froh and his co-authors found that school kids exposed to a specific “gratitude curriculum” reported more appreciation and happiness than those who didn’t get the lessons, even five months later.  They also acted on those feelings, writing 80% more than you notes for a school event than the control group.

So why does gratitude seem harder to come by, despite the benefits it brings?  The simple answer is that it can be challenging to raise grateful kids in today’s society, where there is so much media focus on money, fame, status and the latest and greatest of everything. But, as Eleanor Mackey, a psychologist at Children’s National Medical Center, put it, “Generally speaking, it’s like anything else: it takes time and energy to raise grateful kids, but if you make it a priority, it is doable, and the payoff can be enormous in terms of healthier, more balanced young people.”

With my bandwidth for this Wednesday used up,  I promise that next week I will share 5 steps for raising grateful kids (and grandkids)(and adults.)  In the meantime, have a good Wednesday and think about what you are or should be grateful for.

 

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January 11, 2012

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January 4, 2012

Boker Tov and happy 2012. I hope you had a nice break.

Despite our successes at Beth El, we don’t know everything and can benefit from the wisdom that is “out there.” Our clergy believe that strongly. Hazzan Klein spent the week in an intensive niggun and nusach workshop and I was able to sit in on a part of that as well as do my Shabbat davvening at one of our neighbor shuls to see how they approach things.

This weekend we bring the wisdom to us in the person of our annual synagogue Scholar in Residence.  If you are reading this, you must already have seen the PR for the visit of Dr. Jonathan Woocher. I won’t repeat it. Look at your Tuesday listserv announcements or our website (www.bethelmc.org)  for detail. You can attend any or all of the talks without reservation, but the deadline for Shabbat dinner reservations (hgoodman@bethelmc.org ) is today.

I have known Jonathan Woocher for at least 25 years. When I was doing national recruiting for Hillel, Brandeis University and its Hornstein Program in Jewish Communal Service was one of my regular stops. It was the best training ground for Jewish communal pros at the time, and maybe still is, and Jon was one of its young stars. He knew and understood the American Jewish community in the most perceptive ways, and was a featured speaker at almost every gathering of Jewish leadership. He moved on to JESNA (the Jewish Education Service of North America), serving for two decades as its President and CEO, and more recently delegated some of the administrative load to become “Chief Ideas Officer.”  Don't you love that title?  It recognizes a simple fact: Dr. Woocher is arguably the number one idea person in Jewish education today. What better teacher for Beth El in this our year of learning?  And he also heads the Lippman Kanfer Institute, an action-oriented think tank for innovation in Jewish learning and engagement. As Beth El is one of the only shuls with a professional focused on the community - building work called engagement, his presence is doubly appropriate.

Dr. Woocher is the latest in a long line of fine Beth El Scholars in Residence. Naomi Levy, Joel Grishaver, Elyse Goldstein, Neil Gillman, etc.  I guarantee you will find this set of talks and reflections informative and that it will stimulate your own thinking about how to strengthen Jewish identity and community in the 21^st century. 

In the meantime, have a good Wednesday.    Bill Rudolph

 

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December 21, 2011

Boker Tov and Chag Urim Sameach (happy festival of lights).

We began celebrating Chanukah last evening. I have realized that if you are not raising kids, the holiday is less intense and the focus can be more on what we are actually celebrating rather than what ISomething you are giving or getting.

I read an interesting halachah that tells us a lot about Chanukah and our role in the world.  If you have only enough money to buy Chanukah candles or to buy wine for Shabbat Kiddush, Jewish law says to use the money to buy the Chanukah candles. Why so?  After all, Shabbat is not only more important than Chanukah in a zillion ways but also the Torah itself commands us to keep Shabbat.  The commandment to keep Chanukah comes only from the rabbis, much later in Jewish history and with less gravitas. So it would be logical to think we should buy wine for Kiddush before candles for Chanukah. What’s more, the rabbis tell us that if people make Kiddush, they will gain personal wealth and achievement, but if they light Chanukah candles, their children will grow up to be scholars. In the good old days, having your kids grow up to be scholars was a parent’s greatest dream. So, again, why does Chanukah trump Shabbat in this way? The answer offered is that when we drink the Kiddush, only we really benefit, only we taste the wine.  However, when we light the candles, everyone benefits from the light.

The Maccabees gave up their lives and aspirations to help the Jewish people. Kiddush stands for individual achievement, but if the Maccabees would have thought only of themselves, there would not be any Jews today.  Just stressing our individual achievements does not always or often lead to the common good.

When I stare into the candle flames each night, I feel like I am looking deep into my soul.  May we all look deep inside ourselves during these Chanukah/ winter break days and figure how more to disseminate the light within our souls so that it can shine on others and brighten the world.

Right now I, like many of you, have a light that needs some recharging. I hope to take a few days off next week and give It’s Wednesday a week off.  I look forward to writing again in 2012.    Bill Rudolph

P.S. Treat yourself to Shabbat dinner at the shul this Friday night, it’s a nice way to begin the break. Contact Hattie before noon at hgoodman@bethelmc.org.  The next shul Shabbat dinner is January 6^th at the beginning of our Scholar in Residence weekend with Dr. Jonathan Woocher, Chief Ideas Officer for the Jewish Education Service of North America.

 

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December 14, 2011

Should Judaism be fun?  I think so, and that is why I love that Beth El is doing things like the Latke Hamantash Debate each year. But maybe I shouldn't think it should be fun. Maybe we need to make Judaism serious and hard if we want to attract our young people to it. One of my colleagues thinks that way. He references a west coast marketing expert who argues that, from the time that our children are very young, we teach them that accomplishment requires effort. From the time they start school, we tell them that achievement requires discipline and hard work. We tell them that if they want to make the honor roll, there is no substitute for studying. We tell them that if they want to make the team, there is no substitute for sweat. We tell them that if they want to learn how to play an instrument well, there is no substitute for practice.  And then, we send them to the synagogue school and we tell the teacher “make it interesting” or “make it fun”.  We tell them that all serious endeavors require effort. And then we tell them that Judaism is different; that Judaism is supposed to be easy and fun.

I know that viewpoint is overly simplified, but it does provide us with some food for thought in this our year of learning. I come out on the side of the old maxim that “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” Learning needs to be challenging but also fun. A balance is almost always going to be the way to go in this regard and in life in general.

Speaking of food and fun, whether you prefer the latke or the hamantash, you won’t want to miss the debate this Sunday.  Remember that we are located in the city (Bethesda) with the highest percentage of people with graduate degrees of any city over 50,000 in the entire country (and probably the universe).  So debating on the very highest intellectual level comes naturally. While we didn’t invent this particular debate, we have applied all our learning and cleverness to bring it to new levels of ridiculous meaninglessness. Come this year and you will hear a lobbyist, a pulmonologist/psychiatrist team, an attorney and a web strategist debate the relative merits of these delicacies. While I have never revealed my personal preference, if I were on the side of the latke I would begin by noting that Google searches cement its greater import  (1,690,000 vs 697,000 hits for hamantash). If I were arguing for the hamantash, I would note how the latke increases U.S. dependence on imported oil.  Who knows what these debaters will note or what genius they will apply in their quest for victory?  All we can do is stand with the color guard, then listen, laugh, vote, and eat. 10AM – 11AM.  

Have a good Wednesday. Early best wishes for a Chag Urim Sameach (a Happy Festival of Lights).   Bill Rudolph

P.S.  For more on the holiday and candle lighting instructions, check out Elisha Frumkin’s handiwork on our website under Home Celebrations:

www.bethelmc.org/Learning/FamilyLifeEducation/tabid/150/Default.aspx

 

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December 7, 2011

I received lots of interesting comments after my Bodies Exhibition/theology column. Evidently God has more bandwidth than some think. 

Our shul theme this year is learning. Does God learn too? The rabbis picture God spending four hours a day learning - and four sitting on the seat of judgment and four sitting on the seat of mercy and four playing with Leviathan and I guess now the rest is doing emails. Learning may be increasingly self-directed but there is no less need for great teachers. In the Post Outlook section over the weekend, there was a nice piece by a well-respected army colonel who is leaving the military for a social studies classroom. As he wrote, “In a democracy, we ought to respect most those who foster the traits that make self-government attainable – parents and teachers, coaches and ministers, poets and protestors.” When the colonel hears the Army motto, “This We'll Defend,” it is them he has in mind.  This Friday night our Religious School will honor its teachers, many of whom are long timers with us who have been wonderful influences in the lives of our kids. Join us at least for the recognition Shabbat service, with Kol Haneshama instrumentals, at 6:30PM.

Speaking of good teachers and learning, we are in the final stages of the launch of the first CE21 educational pilots. We are calling them L2G (Learning 2Gether).  The four pilots, three for kids and their parents in 1^st, 4^th and 7^th grades, the fourth for retirees, will be taught by Dr. Nagel, Rabbi Harris, Hazzan Klein, and yours truly in that exact order. This will not be Jewish education as usual.  The middle two will replace Religious School classes and the classroom will not be their major focus.  All the curricula will emphasize the experiential and include things like Hebrew instruction using Rosetta Stone, family study, IEP’s, group Shabbat dinners, flex time activity, online Torah study. These cohorts will begin to function after January 1. There are a few spaces left in each.  Please check our website, www.bethelmc.org, for detailed information on each – new much more granular information by the end of this business day - and applications.

Have a good Wednesday and please figure out how to thank a teacher.  Bill Rudolph

P.S. Another busy weekend beckons. After all the Shabbat activity, we turn to our monthly Israel Media Series, Saturday at 7:30PM, with the last episodes of “A Touch Away.” Sunday morning features the K-1 Consecration and the scheduling meeting for 2014 Bnai Mitzvah (we have 77 to schedule, at least ten more than ever before in our history). Sunday also begins our volunteer meal rotation at the Community Based Shelter in Rockville; there are some meals  (mostly breakfasts) that still need to be covered. Information about all these events was sent out in the Tuesday listserv announcement and is available on the website (www.bethelmc.org).

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November 30, 2011

If there is a downside to It’s Wednesday, it’s that almost anything I do beyond the mundane daily routine finds me considering whether that thing would make a good It’s Wednesday column. Takes the fun out of life.  Only kidding, but I do think of you often, more each time someone says that they look forward to reading what I write.  So, for the ten or so of you who said that, here is another column, this one originating in the recent NY trip which produced three columns for just two days on site.

On the second day Gail and I had some R&R, interrupted by just one death and the related funeral arrangements.  We had long wanted to see the Bodies Exhibition at the South Seaport. While there is controversy about the provenance of the bodies, which your friendly Wikipedia will delineate, there is little doubt that the bodies, preserved by a process called “polymer preservation” and dissected to display the bodily systems, are pretty amazing to see. For me, it was a spiritual experience besides a column. Let me explain.

The human body is a spectacular invention. Just a few reminders of that follow. While I wrote down what I read, I am sure I got the science wrong and await the corrections. The body is so amazing.  It takes six muscles working in concert to move the eye, and sixteen to produce our facial expressions. The pituitary gland is about the size of a pea yet the hormones it produces help control body processes including growth (even MLB accepts this growth hormone), blood pressure, breast milk production, sex organ function, thyroid gland function, metabolism, water and temperature regulation. It also creates endorphin to relieve pain and alter mood.  The alveoli are tiny air sacs at the end of the bronchial passages which allow for the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide in the blood, getting rid of the CO2 and getting the oxygen to the red blood cells to be delivered to muscles and organs. It all works because the alveoli are covered with a special complex surfactant (fluid) without which surface tensions in the lungs would lead to instability or collapse.   There are 100,000 miles (!) of blood vessels in the adult human body, yet every drop of blood passes through our heart once a minute.  And so on.

Now I look at all this on exhibition and I see the handiwork of God all over the place. Others surely just see biology. Which is it? Try this:  I look at human faces, no two of which are exactly the same despite there being 7 billion of them right now and the area that creates the differences is maybe 4 inches by 4 inches.  What craftsman creates a mold that comes out different every time, 7 billion times over?  Or what craftsman creates anything like the iris of the eye, a thin ring of muscle fibers, in which again there are no duplicates in 7 billion?

I have no direct proof that God exists, but I cannot dismiss the evidence of a supernatural creative power that I see in every face, every darting eye, the steady functioning of so many internal systems, breathing, the amazing pump beating in our chests. If our car, which works maybe an hour or two a day, would last 80+ years and be able to reason and laugh with us, wouldn’t we be awe struck? The ancients were on target when they made us repeat at every wedding the blessing,  “Praised are You, O Lord, Who has created mankind.” And that was long before mankind exhibited the genius represented by the IPad. 

Have a good Wednesday, and appreciate the holy vessel that allows you to appreciate it.

 

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November 23, 2011

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November 16, 2011

This column comes forth from New York, where I am about to head up to the quarterly meeting of the Executive Council of the Rabbinical Assembly. The R.A. is the trade association/labor union for Conservative Rabbis. I am in the middle of my two year term as President of the Washington Baltimore Region of the Rabbinical Assembly, so I have automatic status on the Council. Lest you miss me too much, I have “attended” the previous meetings by speakerphone, but figure that once at least I should show up in person.

The agenda has many items, but the well-being of the Conservative movement will surely be the backdrop for the discussion. Conservative Judaism, like much of American Judaism, has been hit by the mini tsunami of the graying of the Jewish community and the red ink of the continuing economic downturn. In our movement, the average congregation is evidently about 300 families. In the best of times, such a congregation can have staffing and a school and maintain its building, but in difficult times it’s not so simple, and many are struggling. When they struggle, it affects not only Jewish life in that community but also the job prospects of rabbis (and cantors.)

Large synagogues in each denomination are doing better. A few are even growing. A very few are even adding staff and programming, as Beth El has done this year. We here are blessed to be in the right city for a time of recession, to be in a great neighborhood, and to have so many wonderful magnet people in our membership. A lot of that was on display at the 60th Anniversary Gala. We are lucky that we have what we have.

Have a good Wednesday. Bill Rudolph

P.S. Two upcoming items in the panoply that we put out there: Saturday night is our next monthly Israel Media Series event, a 7:30PM showing of episodes 4-6 of “A Touch Away.” It’s a great love story. At the end of episodes 1-3, nobody wanted to leave and they threatened to occupy my office. The wait is over. I will sum the first 3 first. Tuesday night is our annual Joint Thanksgiving service with Bethesda United Methodist Church. It’s at the Church this year. 7:30PM , a one hour service followed by refreshments. If you haven’t experienced this, I guarantee that you will be glad you came.

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November 9, 2011

Last Sunday’s session of our Adult Bnai Mitzvah class was about God, the second class on this key topic in the 18 month curriculum which will culminate in their “graduation” ceremony on February 18th.  My starting question was if there really can be some supernatural force or being? It’s not easy to affirm that, since most of us lack any direct experience of God. We need to depend on 1) the testimony of the past or 2) indirect experience of the divine in the present.  Speaking to the second point, here is one Rabbi’s succinct take on the hints and signs of God’s presence, and then a story that provides a path to finding those hints and signs.

Rabbi Lawrence Hoffman, who teaches at Hebrew Union College, recently wrote about God and where we can find God. This is what he said:   “There are lots of signs of God all around us: sunsets, quasars, the protein sequences that burgeon into life, and the evolutionary miracle of human consciousness and human conscience, the insistent, permanent yearning for freedom and for goodness, are these all not signposts, pointing the way towards God?  And the music of Mozart, Van Gogh’s sunflowers, Shakespeare’s poetry, are they not signposts too? And passion and compassion, and the everyday, but unexplainable love of a parent for a child, are these not signposts too? These are accidents in a way. Darwinian selection and Mendelian genes in chance sequences over time.  But they are equally the hand of God, working in confident denial of the law of entropy which would have predicted random chaos, not the natural order that mathematics measure and that humans enjoy. Like the three strangers who came to the tent of Moses, like the bush that burned before Moses, like the Torah that we have pondered over for generations, these signs of God are ambiguous. But they are real, and for those who have eyes to see, they are wonders, wonders that point the way towards God.”

Now the story.  A farmer from a small town, for the first time in his life, visited a big city.  One of his relatives, who had been living in the crowded, noisy city for years, took the farmer sightseeing.  As they were walking along a busy street, crowded with people and filled with the noise of traffic and countless pedestrians, the farmer said to his city cousin, “I hear the singing of a bird.”  “That’s impossible,” she said.  “There aren’t any birds for miles around and if there were, with all this traffic you certainly couldn’t hear them!”  But the farmer insisted that he heard correctly.  And then as they walked down the street, they turned the corner and suddenly found themselves in front of a pet shop with its door wide open.  Sure enough, there were several birds singing!  She was astounded and asked him how he could possibly hear the sound of birds above all the city noise.  Instead of replying, the farmer took a handful of coins from his pocket and dropped them on the busy sidewalk.  Immediately all the people who had been hurrying about stopped and turned in the direction of the coins.  “You see,” he said, “it all depends on what you’re listening for.”

I hope this beautiful day, one of many lately, will provide you with ample opportunity to listen and look for hints of the divine in our world. Start with the trees.    Bill Rudolph

P.S. Saint Mark Presbyterian is celebrating 50 years of service to its faith community this year. We are at 60, but we are an older religion so it makes sense. Our multi-faceted relationship over the last 6-7 years is built on the respect we each have for the other’s issues and values, so we take pleasure in co-sponsoring an important public talk as part of their celebration.  The talk will be offered by the Swarthmore now Vanderbilt Jewish scholar/professor Amy-Jill Levine and focus on her book, The Misunderstood Jew: The Church and the Scandal of the Jewish Jesus. Sunday evening at 7:30PM at Saint Mark (up Old Georgetown Road just past Wildwood).  

 

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November 2, 2011

Sunday morning’s Building Blocks event, in which we installed our new Hazzan and our first Director of Community Engagement, as well as inaugurated our CE 21 initiatives, is now a wonderful piece of Beth El history. Now it is back to real life.

This week's Torah portion, Lech Lecha, begins with God's call to Abraham to begin a new life in a land that God will show him. God promises that Abraham’s descendants will become a great nation and a blessing to the world, and that those who bless us will be blessed and those who curse us will be cursed.

History, past and present, would not seem to bear out this prophecy.  We are among the tiniest of nations (.002 of the world population) and those who curse us don’t seem to suffer so much. Are we really a blessing to the world and is our treatment by other nations mirrored in their well being?

There is a list of Jewish Nobel Prize winners and it contains 32 names … IN PHYSICS!   Overall there have been more than 130 Jewish prize winners!  826 total individual winners whose accomplishments have made the world better, and 130 of them are from the tiniest of peoples!   We are not smarter, but are blessed and are a blessing to the world in this and many other ways.

There is also some validity to the promise that those who curse us will be cursed.  It's one of the ironies of history.  We speak of the "glory that was Greece and the grandeur that was Rome,”  but that glory and grandeur departed around the time that the Greeks and Romans turned against us.  Similarly, soon after Spain expelled its Jews, the sun began to set on the Spanish Empire.  And in modern times, the Iron Curtain began to fall when Soviet Jews were so persecuted that they dared to seek their freedom. 

As for the blessing for those who bless us, there is no better example than the United States of America.  We live in a beautiful and fruitful land with a diverse people that pulls together when it matters. We are the mightiest and freest nation in history. May it so continue but we have to get our house in much better order first. Regardless, we are blessed as a nation, and it is I think more than coincidental that our country is also Israel's and the Jewish people's best friend.  When it comes to the Jewish people there is no country like the United States. 

There sometimes seems to be no limit to how well we are integrated into the fabric of this country. The latest example is a linguistic one, from the mouth of CC Sabathia, the prize 290 pound pitcher for the Yankees, not Jewish and probably not hanging round the JCC. Sabathia just signed an extension on his contract that keeps him with the Yanks for an additional two years at a total guaranteed package of $122 million. There had been much concern among Yankee fans, congregant A the most fervent among them, that CC might return to his native Bay Area, but as he signed his new deal, he said simply that the key for him was his family "and making sure everything was kosher with them" with living in the New York area.

But the acceptance is not all for the good. There a day earlier was Ruth Madoff, in her appearance on 60 Minutes.   "I don't know whose idea it was, but we decided to kill ourselves because it was so horrendous what was happening," she tells Morley Safer. "We had terrible phone calls. Hate mail, just beyond anything and I said '...I just can't go on anymore.'"  So Ruth and Bernard Madoff took a bunch of pills, some of them Ambien and possibly some Klonopin.  "I took what we had, he took more," says Ruth. [Now comes the key phrase:]  It was Christmas Eve, she says, "that added to the whole depression."       The pills obviously didn't work, but it has taken your faithful servant days to recover from this revelation. The Madoffs were heavily integrated into the Jewish community in NY and Florida, yet being so alone and vilified on Christmas Eve made them want to kill themselves? Since when did Christmas mean so much to Jews (except those in retail)?  This blessed land has given us almost nothing but blessings, but they  come with strings attached. The strings are on us. They are the temptations to assimilate that accompany our acceptance and which seem to be difficult to resist. It’s not a new story, but as time goes by it is a more worrisome one.

Ponder all this and have a good Wednesday.  Bill Rudolph

P.S. It’s not too late to join Saul Bendit adult education classes or attend the Sisterhood/Zhava Membership Dinner or our annual Gala. Information is on our website, www.bethelmc.org. 

 

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October 26, 2011

Last Wednesday the holidays were ending and I wrote about the Yizkor memorial service the next day and wondered why Yizkor doesn’t draw the kinds of crowds it used to draw. You wrote back, as requested, and I think I/we can learn from the responses.

The first set of responses was that some people just don’t know enough about Yizkor. As S put it, “I just had no idea there was a separate Yitzkor service.... I've never heard of one before -- or have I not paid attention???  But, maybe the reason it's dropped from the Top Hit playlist is that it's just not promoted, presented, discussed much??? Thanks for letting me know about it. “ Or, as M put it, writing from Corsica no less, “I think many people simply do not realize that there are Yizkor services beyond Yom Kippur.” 

We clearly assume too much.  The Yizkor service (yizkor means “to remember”) is a ten minute service within the service, held four times a year right after the Torah reading in the AM on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, and the last days of Pesach and Shavuot.  It contains readings about death and loss, individual prayers for loved ones, and a powerful group kaddish.  We need to teach about it more, that is clear.

Only J suggested an alternative to Yizkor, but I suspect he speaks for many. From J:  “I suppose that remembering loved ones that we have lost is different for each person.  From my perspective, Yizkor for me happens everyday (for a very small slice of the day) as I think about my father, my grandfather, and other loved ones that are no longer around for conversations.  Therefore I do not feel the need to have a specific day or time to remember them since they are always with me in the way I act, think, and carry myself in life.”

The majority of the responses consisted of attempts to explain the change in attendance in terms of the time and place in which we live. I will share a sampling now. Nobody sees this as a positive development. Read as much as you can, but be sure to read the P.S. before you click away.

“You got me thinking that maybe it's not just yizkor, but all forms of ancestor worship that are in decline. Technological and social trends worldwide are moving us away from the past and toward the present, away from a family with intergenerational bonds and toward a friendship with detachable electronic interfaces. Add to that the transition from a brief American Century back to Chinese Hegemony, and you see erosion of participation in one more ceremonial relic of traditional Jewish culture. Maybe we're no longer willing to spend the currency of our personal time because it no longer purchases what we value. Best.”  J 

“I think the decline in Yizkor services relates to the fact that we are American Jews, living in a culture that celebrates life and avoids thinking about death (except for ways to prevent it).  Therefore, the Jewish rituals around death make us seem different than the majority culture that says deal with it and move on.   So missing work (or late to work) three times a year seems in incongruous with the world around us. “  H

“My suspicion of a contributing factor for the drop-off in attendance to Yizkor services, ironically, is self-preservation. We are so busy, so stressed, so pressured - stopping to let in feelings that carry heavy emotion, whether comforting or painful, cracks the armor we use to hold ourselves together and keep on moving through our demanding days. If we stop to remember, to feel, to connect in a deeply personal way with others, we let down the armor and fear we cannot pull ourselves back together, get back on track and get it all done. We risk not being "hyper-productive" for a short time. That's a frightening thought for some people, especially where lifestyles are as frenetic as in the area where we live.” L

Is Yizkor the tip of some large iceberg or the iceberg?  Wishing you a good quiet Wednesday on which to ponder such weighty matters.    Bill Rudolph

P.S. This Sunday will be one of the historical moments in the life of our congregation. We are installing our new Hazzan Matthew Klein, only the second Hazzan in our 60-year history. And we are launching the first CE21 programs to re-envision congregational education for the 21st century. These programs were created by a Task Force of your peers over the last two years and are now being implemented under the leadership of our first Director of Community Engagement, Geryl Baer. A lot of new building blocks for our future will thus be put in place officially. The program includes a video, a PowerPoint, lots of music from many groups singing with our Hazzan. 10AM to 11:30AM in the sanctuary.  Refreshments to follow.

 

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October 19, 2011

Boker Tov and Happy Hoshanah Rabbah. Yes, it’s the seventh day of Sukkot and we make extra hoshanot (circumambulation prayers) in the chapel with our lulavim, after which we will beat our willows into the ground, symbolically removing (hopefully) the last vestiges of the shortcomings that we have been working to shed all these days since Rosh Hashanah.  All that starts at 7:30AM, which is now, so goodbye.

You didn’t think you would get rid of me that fast did you? Tonight begins Shemini Atzeret, a mysterious holiday that either concludes Sukkot or is a separate holiday of its own, take your pick. It is best known as the beginning date for six months of prayers for rain (here and in Israel) and for the Yizkor memorial service that is included in both morning services (7AM or 9:30AM.)  More on that shortly. Then Thursday night is Simchat Torah with lots of Torah dancing and candy bars and schnapps. Friday morning is more of the same and a special musaf service led by Rebecca Gross and our honoring Deborah Neipris Hendler and Allen Eisenberg for their service to the congregation.  And then the holidays are over till Chanukah. In the clergy line of work, a break from holidays is not unwelcome.

There was a time, not so long ago, when our shul and all shuls would fill for the Yizkor service. Not as full as Yom Kippur, but many more people than any other day of Sukkot or non-Yizkor day of Pesach or Shavuot.  These days, there are not those kind of crowds, here or elsewhere. I wonder about lots of things, and this is one. People are still dying, funerals are still sad, cemeteries are still in use, and when I talk about death and loss people still get teary eyed. Yizkor continues to provide an opportunity, just a few hours invested a few times a year, to focus on our dear departed in the midst of a warm community.  

So, please write if you have thoughts about the decline of the Yizkor service. It can't just be about being too busy. Maybe there are new and better ways that we are remembering our loved ones.  Please write to the email address below, and as always please use your brevity skills.  

Wishing you a Chag Sameach twice over, and good memories.  Bill Rudolph

P.S. With the end of the holidays come multitudinous opportunities to do other kinds of Jewish things. Jumping out at me is the next Israel Media Series this Saturday night, Mitzvah Day Sunday, Saul Bendit Adult Institute classes beginning next Tuesday and Wednesday, the Building Blocks program a week from Sunday, and the annual Gala that will in part celebrate our 60th anniversary. For information see the October Scroll or our website www.bethelmc.org .

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October 12, 2011

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October 5, 2011

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September 28, 2011

It’s Erev Rosh Hashanah. This edition of It’s Wednesday is brought to you by all of your clergy.

We want to share with you some good questions to carry with you to shul or discuss at the dinner table during the holiday and the days leading up to Yom Kippur.  They are courtesy of Rabbi Kalman Packouz and, though not new, we think they remain useful in helping us frame our individual thinking and introspection at this time of the year.

We wish all of you a good sweet New Year in a slightly more peaceful world.

Rabbi Bill Rudolph    Rabbi Greg Harris   Hazzan Matthew Klein

1)    When do I most feel that my life is meaningful?

2)    How often do I express my feelings to those who mean the most to me?

3)    Are there any ideals I would be willing to die for?

4)    If I could live my life over, would I change anything?

5)   What would bring me more happiness than anything else in the world?

6)    What are my three most significant achievements since last Rosh Hashanah?

7)    What are the three biggest mistakes I've made since last Rosh Hashanah?

8)    What project or goal, if left undone, will I most regret next Rosh Hashanah?

9)    If I knew I couldn't fail, what would I undertake to accomplish in my life?

10)  What are my three major goals in life?  What am I doing to achieve them?  What practical steps can I take in the next two months toward those goals?

11)  If I could give my children only three pieces of advice, what would they be?

12)  What is the most important decision I need to make this year?

13)  What important decision did I avoid making last year?

14)  What did I do last year that gave me the strongest feeling of self-respect?

15)  When do I feel closest to G-d?

16)  Do I have a vision of where I want to be one, three and five years from now?

17)  What are the most important relationships in my life?  Over the last year did those relationships become closer and deeper or was there a sense of stagnation and drifting?  What can I do to nurture those relationships this year?

18)  If I could change only one thing about myself, what would that be?

19)  If I could change one thing about my spiritual life, what would  that be?

 

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September 21, 2011

The Southern Cal rabbis got very few plaudits from you for bringing in the screenwriters, but I got a lot of feedback about what is on your minds as we approach the high holidays. You will hear more about this experiment in joint sermon writing in about a week.

In the meantime, this is the time of year when we should begin thinking about making a few changes in the way we are. We are human, and to be truly human is to feel our frustrations and pain, and work through them.  I always say one positive change would be enough each year. Just imagine how amazing we would be after ten or twenty years!

I saw in my sermon preps the story of an impatient man. He had an anger problem and was in an anger management program.  While waiting in line to pay for his groceries, the woman ahead of him, holding a child, was talking with the cashier, and he was getting very upset that they were wasting his time. About to explode, he used his new skills instead. He breathed slowly, quieting down his anger, turned to the older woman and said, “What a pretty baby girl you are holding.”

The young cashier answered for the older woman saying, “Thank you, and I am sorry for taking so long. My husband was recently killed in Afghanistan and I had to go to work. The only time I have to see my baby is when my mother brings him into the market. Thank you for your patience and kind words.”

Working on his anger helped an impatient man find kindness and caring instead of exploding and creating a hurtful scene.  Through a character flaw, with work, he began developing tremendous empathy for others. Using his weakness he found strength. 

As we move towards Rosh Hashanah, we remember that this is the time to examine our beliefs about ourselves. Instead of banging our fists in frustration or shame as we recite our sins, by the time we reach Yom Kippur let us gently tap our chests instead, knowing that we have determined a way to grow ourselves.

One week from tonight is Rosh Hashanah. To tune up, check out Hazzan Klein’s musical postings on our website www.bethelmc.org.   And have a good Wednesday. Bill Rudolph

P.S. We hold our collective breaths about this week’s United Nations session and the possible repercussions of the Palestinian UDI (unilateral declaration of independence). Not everyone gets the multitude of online updates, so we will keep you informed of actions that might be taken to support Israel at this worrisome time in its history.

 

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September 14, 2011

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September 7, 2011

Everyone who is reading this has 9/11 etched into his or her memory. It was a horrific day and the world has surely not been the same since. As you cannot help but have noticed, the media (hopefully in part for the right reasons) is rehearsing that infamous day in great detail this week. Our professional staff had a long discussion about the most appropriate response our synagogue should make on this ten year anniversary. We decided on a modest response:  there will be a moment of silence introduced by the Religious School teachers in grades four and up, and there will be special prayers and readings at the evening minyan Sunday night (the usual 8PM start time).

I have thought and read more about 9/11 over the last week or two. I struggle to find anything positive to take away from the tragedy, but I cannot dismiss it - there was so much loss with so many ramifications. Maybe it’s no coincidence that the saddest day of the Jewish year, Tisha B’av, a day of fire and death, was also a 9/11 – the 9th day of the 11th Hebrew month. I found helpful resources on the website of our community’s Partnership for Jewish Life and Learning, which btw is also our guide agency in the CE21 process. Go to www.pjll.org and follow the link on the home page banner, or search there for 9/11. Especially useful may be the link Parenting Issues, for those who want to discuss 9/11 with their kids.

I also saw for the first time that there are two pieces of Torah in this week’s portion that can resonate with 9/11. The first (Deuteronomy 22:8) is that we are commanded to build a parapet (fence) on the roof of our houses, lest someone fall off and endanger his/her life. Taking precautions to keep people safe and secure is, then, actually a mitzvah. Would that we only needed fences for our rooftops post 9/11!  The second (Deuteronomy 24:8-9) speaks indirectly to the sin of lashon hara (gossip). Paired with verse 16 in the same chapter, we are taught not to make wholesale judgments, not to paint all with a broad brush stroke. This would certainly apply to Muslims, who are all too often assumed to be supporters if not perpetrators of terror against us. We should get to know some Muslims before we do that kind of painting. In the process we will learn that Muslim Americans at least do speak out against terror, but the press for whatever reason is not interested.

Ten years ago we approached the High Holidays with a trembling that we had never before experienced. That year the shofar that was ringing in our ears was the wail of sirens and emergency vehicles. The Rambam tells us that the shofar is meant to wake us up from the triviality of the time. It is a call to change, to stop sleepwalking through life, to open our eyes to the wonder of existence.  9/11 shocked us. It awakened us from the triviality of life to the priorities of life, and we made promises. We promised to be better people. We promised that we would not let evil defeat us. We promised not to let ourselves fall into the habits that destroy the beauty of life. We would no longer take our physical health and our spiritual growth for granted; we would no longer take our spouses for granted, our families, our friends, our Jewishness. It’s ten years later.  Did we keep the promises we made then? The ten year anniversary commemoration can be worthwhile if it gets us back on the path we promised to take at that time.

Ponder all this on what feels like the first Wednesday of autumn.   Bill Rudolph

P.S. Our first Shabbat dinner, preceded by a traditional and a Kol Haneshama (instrumental) service, takes place Friday evening. Services at 6:30, dinner follows. You can still reserve this morning for the dinner by calling or emailing Hattie Goodman in the office:  301-652-2606/ 301 or hgoodman@bethelmc.org. 

 

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August 31, 2011

Last Wednesday, between the earthquake and the hurricane, I shared some thoughts about death and mourning customs in our time/place and invited readers to share your recent experiences. There were many dozen responses. As I often do, I will share representative ones with you, along with a little commentary where appropriate. Read as much as you can, and have a good day. 

Bill Rudolph

 Now and then, at a Shiva or at a memorial service for a non-Jewish friend the topic of mourning rituals will arise in conversation with a non-Jewish friend.  Over and over, those non-Jews have said how much it would have helped them to have a tradition such as ours - a tradition of sharing the event with a broad community in the short-term, a tradition of extended mourning ritual and a tradition that the ritual mourning ends.  I cannot think of an aspect of Jewish tradition which my gentile friends discuss in the same way - no one ever says I wish we had kashruth or yom kippur or mandatory circumcision ......when people hear what we do for mourning, they express admiration.

 By the way, to my surprise my uncle had requested to be cremated and the immediate family followed his wish. The clergy at our synagogue in [South America] adapted in an interesting way: he was remembered during one of the daily evening service by one of his sons; there was no newspaper ad, as it is the custom there. The rabbi said that, given that he was cremated, the ad would naturally imply acceptance by the synagogue of the cremation...

 As you know, I said kaddish for about 2 years straight, and my experience was consistent with Susan Behrend Jerison's.  I'd add that the experience demonstrated to me the significance of the synagogue as a vital institution in our community; it provided in this specific instance a support mechanism for an individual in need of one.  But the experience also caused me to recognize the critical role that the institution plays throughout the life cycle -- beginning at birth (and the naming service), pre-school (a child's introduction to Judaism), etc.  Thus, kaddish demonstrated and pointed out to me that, throughout life cycle events and day-to-day life, the shul provides connectivity to family and friends (both old and new) that humans require to achieve contentment in various contexts (social, religious, etc.).

Fortunately that time of mourning parents is in the past.   I must say that if it hadn't been for the Morning Minyan I don't know how I would have coped with the loss of my parents a year and a half between their deaths. One mourning period just about bumped into the next.  I said to someone one morning that I had found a 5000 year old support group.  Thank you to everyone for being there.   

This is the week my brother fell down the steps and then passed away 10 days later. I found when I returned to DC after shiva, there was something comforting about our Sunday nite minyan which I tried to join regularly. I knew no one, but it did not seem to matter. There was warmth and an unspoken sense of understanding and care, That defines comfort. I have had too much practice with such services but know that one of the strong points of Judaism comes during shiva as we remember and feel comfortable sharing ourselves with others.

I am puzzled by 3 deaths of people with similar traits, happy [young] people who truly enjoyed life more than others.  Why is death attacking people who so much enjoyed life?  It's almost a punishment.  The great mystery of existence is death, even more than new life.  Why does death crave for people who so much enriched the world and other people's lives?  Can you provide some answers?    [WDR response:  This has been the $64k question since biblical times and there is no answer. I do a six hour class on when bad things happen to good people, maybe it is time to offer that again. Read Kushner in the meantime. But there is no good answer.]   

Based on my recent experience I have to take issue with your comments about the economics being "rather stable" and the competitive local market.  My mother's oldest sister M died June 30 at the age of 100. She was not a member of a shul and when she died in the middle of the night, her daughter called X Funeral Director because she didn't know any better and I was not with her to tell her not to.   I went with her in the morning to [the funeral director] to help her make arrangements.  The "funeral director" we met with had a decent enough manner but it was clear from the outset that they were there to take advantage of the situation… The rep started his pitch to my cousin by saying they have three packages for funerals with the lowest cost package starting at $11,500!   [WDR response:  this happens to people who don’t know better. You don’t need to pay more than $2000 for a kosher funeral in our area, elsewhere four times that is typical. Work with your rabbi, and it wouldn’t be terrible if some of the small fortune you saved went to a worthy cause.]

One comment however on the Shiva calls that I do attend: [my husband] and I both say how much we really dislike what a "party" they often become. I often walk in before the service begins, only to hear people socializing, laughing etc loudly, and then this continues afterwards with the desserts, etc. I realize that part of Shiva is to slowly bring the mourners back into the real world [but still…]  I've even gone so far as to actually contemplate what I would do if I was ever (someday) in this situation: would I put a sign on the door telling people to please be respectful of my grief and not act like it is a party??? Please help me here.   [WDR response: afternoon visits are usually the most meaningful. I have found that trying to legislate behavior at a shivah produces little change and makes those whose shivah had “too much” joy feel like they are bad people. Much depends on the circumstances. The most tragic deaths get the appropriate shivah decorum but we don’t wish that on anyone.]

You touched a subject dear to my heart.   You know about [my husband]'s and my past, meeting at a very early age and growing together for the rest of our lives for 63 wonderful years.  I am very grateful for that, but part of me is gone with him and that will never change.  You told me last year that some part of him will stay with me, you were right.  In about every situation that I meet , I know exactly what he would say or do.  Many years ago when I was eleven years old  my grandfather died.  I adored my grandmother and in order to help her in her grief, I accompanied her to services when she said kaddish.  That introduced me to Judaism and taught me who I was.  I still have that comforting feeling today when I come to services today on Shabbat morning and I feel [his] presence next to me.

Thank you for addressing this "uncomfortable" topic for most of us.  Although it is hard to reach a comfort level with the topic of death and dying, it is the attempt that will help us deal with future events, for it is inevitable that we must confront them in our lifetime.  The issues we feel most uncomfortable with are those we try to hide away.  By making death and dying a natural part of the life cycle, we provide ourselves and our family members with some armor for future events.   The synagogue offers many opportunities to address this topic, ie: help make a minyan for mourners, pay a shiva call, provide a shiva meal, join the chevra kadisha, give the gift of a Jewish burial plot within our community, share books on the topic with children before these events confront them, speak openly about death and dying instead of hiding behind polite euphemisms, and offer comfort to those in need.

 

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August 24, 2011

This time of year there is much pain of separation as parents drive their college students to campus and the younger parents wait on the street corner for the initial appearance of the school bus. The ultimate separation is, of course, that of death. Even the most casual reader of our synagogue listserv has seen a whole slew of death notices since August began.  Each death is its own unique story, and each family buries and mourns its dead in its own way with almost uniform adherence to our tradition. Times do change, nonetheless, so I thought I would share some “insider” observations about burial and mourning customs ca. 2011. I also will seek your input about your own experiences with this ultimate separation.        

Every death is a loss for the family and the community. One of our deceased was 101 and beating her grandchildren in Scrabble almost to the day of her death. Others lived long lives but are/were the last Jew in their line. Some were shul regulars and now their seat is empty. Some died too young and too quickly.   

There have been changes over the years. Family and friends often offer the eulogies not just the rabbi, which is good, but the eulogies are also expanding in number and length. One recent funeral at a neighboring shul had eleven of them and lasted 2 ½ hours. An hour service is plenty for the family, and I hope that record stands forever. Shivah’s on the other hand are getting shorter, but I don’t think they work if they are too short. Attire at funerals is getting less predictable – one of my August funerals included people in shorts and flip flops. I still believe that the intersection of life and death, which is what a funeral is in good part, is too holy and special for beach attire.  Cremations are increasing, even among Jews, which I really don't understand.  There is plenty of empty space in this country still, and after Hitler it is not fathomable that we would burn up our own loved ones. But if they request that and won’t change their minds, the family has little choice but to follow along and clergy will make it work because the survivors shouldn’t be denied the right to mourn.    

The economics of funerals and burials have been rather stable. The attempt of several national firms to buy up all the funeral homes and cemeteries to control prices was not successful. Locally, we are blessed with a competitive funeral direction market, so that a kosher funeral can be arranged for many thousands of dollars less than in other locales. We also have many good choices in cemeteries. People who think it’s bad luck to purchase a plot while healthy do nobody a favor.        

Mourning is wisely handled by our tradition. The biggest challenge is the eleven month kaddish for a parent. Fitting that into our busy lives is far from easy, but anyone who does it sees its great worth. A sample experience is that of our own Susan Behrend Jerison, as described in Jewish Woman Magazine.  “When you lose a parent, it’s an incredibly lonely feeling. There is a hole that nobody can fill. But through the presence of the people in the minyan… I was not so alone.” Though she didn’t initially plan to attend regularly, Susan kept coming back to the minyan. Her Hebrew and prayer skills improved, and she created new relationships and friendships. “People knew I was there and for what reason I was there. I don’t know where my friends are every day, but I knew where the people in the minyan were. I knew if they were out of town. We developed a community that doesn’t usually exist in our fragmented lives.  We were going through the mourning process together.”          

If you wish, share with me your own recent experiences with death, especially what you learned about your loved one or your self or our tradition in the process of mourning.  Write to me at the email address below. Be brief please. I will share some of the comments in future weeks. 

 I wish you no kaddish saying anytime soon, stable ground, and a good Wednesday.

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August 10, 2011

Last Wednesday I promised readers some secrets about happiness. Fortunately, wealth doesn’t buy happiness, which is especially good news right now. In my vacation reading I came across the work of National Geographic author/explorer Dan Buettner who spent five years doing field research on happiness. His conclusions are striking. People who report the highest levels of happiness share the following characteristics:

            1) Own one TV no more, and keep it in the basement. The average American spends four hours a day in front of TV’s, time we are not spending with other people. (Family time in front of the TV is not the same as real interaction.)

            2) Create a “flow room” where people will naturally hang out, with no TV’s or clocks and quiet environments where it’s easy to engage in meaningful activities with family or friends.

            3) Experience the “sun bonus.” People in sunnier climates are consistently happier than those who live in northern countries. We are not so lucky, so we have to get out as much as we can – see 1) above.

            4) Stop shopping.  The satisfaction we get from buying things that are not necessities wears off in 14 months (or less), but in order to get them we have to work more and take fewer vacations. Take the money and spent it on things that last, like family vacations or classes.

            5) Employ themselves. The more autonomy and control we have over our job, the more likely we will be satisfied with our work.

            6) Make new friends. People report the highest levels of satisfaction when they spend time with family and friends. Every additional friend we make (assuming s/he is upbeat) increases our chances of being happy by 9%. The more we are with people, the better. Don’t eat lunch by yourself.

            7) Get addicted to volunteer work.  The happiest people almost always volunteer in some fashion – at their “church” or with an environmental group or social service organization or the like. It means spending time with others and takes our mind off our own problems. Altruism is even addictive, reportedly working on the brain in similar ways to sugar and cocaine.

            8) Keep the faith.  Religious people tend to be happier than those without faith. It’s not clear whether religion makes people happy or if happy people tend to be drawn to religious practices. Either way, those who are religious have less disease, live longer and are less likely to engage in dangerous behavior (eg. smoking or heavy drinking).

Read Buettner’s book Thrive Finding Happiness the Blue Zone Ways for detail. Ponder making some changes along these lines and have a good Wednesday.

 

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August 3, 2011

Boker Tov.

I am back, my extra vacation and regular vacation now history. They were most pleasant.  June, spent mostly at the beach, helped me to get back control of my life. July was for biking and puttering around the house and ice cream. No great adventure to report on this year – despite the economy all the great bike trips I checked into were actually sold out.

Anyway, like a well-oiled machine, here I am once again in your Inbox, on the first Wednesday of August, by 7:30AM, and then (hopefully) I show up each Wednesday thereafter.

I used to agonize for weeks over this first column of the new season. Not for lack of something to say, because I use the vacation time to read a lot and think about the macro and the micro of Judaism and of life at this juncture in history. You will hear more as the Wednesdays and Shabbatot go by and on the High Holidays. But to pick out THE most important issue or idea to inaugurate this new season of It’s Wednesday? That is way too daunting.

So I will start on a simple level with two thoughts about vacations. The first is about the bitter moment when you know the vacation is over. This year it could have been the funeral on Day One back to work, which meant of course that the last day of official vacation was spent on the arrangements and preparations for the funeral. But actually it was one little email. One of our really neat young families had arranged for me to conduct a baby naming ceremony for their daughter. There is no fixed ritual for such ceremonies, as opposed to the bris for boys, so we had talked about different prayers and readings and parts for family members and so forth. Since the event was getting closer, the mom sent me an email about the length of the ceremony. She wanted me to be sensitive to the fact that there would be many young families with kids there, so it shouldn’t be too long. But, I should keep in mind that several guests would be travelling here from out of town, so the ceremony needed to be “appropriately substantial enough” to merit their travel. As I pondered this email and its two requests, I began to chuckle. I knew at that moment that my vacation was over.

I know that I am not the only one dealing with conflicting needs in the “workplace.”  At home, it’s not so different. Maybe it was always so, but we seem now to be needing constantly to weigh equally legitimate alternatives and make semi-impossible judgments. And that brings me to my second thought about vacations, which is that we need them. We need time away from the conflicting needs and tough decisions, time when the only tough choice is Dickey’s or DQ.  I have had my time, and am grateful for it. In case any of you still has the option to get out of town and can’t decide to do it, do treat yourself. 

I look forward to talking with you each Wednesday, and hope that this Wednesday finds many of you on vacation or that it will include some easy choices. Next week I will share interesting secrets from the world’s happiest people.   Bill Rudolph

P.S. This week marks a new era at Beth El.  Join us this Shabbat morning for Hazzan Matt Klein’s first official Shabbat on the bimah, and stay tuned as Geryl Baer, our first Director of Community Engagement, begins to help us shape a variety of initiatives that will strengthen our programming and membership and sense of community.